useless

weekend is here.
have alot of things to do. like mentioned earlier, i just got 2 assignments... 2 test on this coming thursday//and exam after that. so... time to get work done!!!

well...dissapointing day for me.
didn't go like i wanted it to...

woke up... do my saturday ruitine (watch tv till noon)... never fail to waste away my weekend.

so feeling like crap for not getting any work done (especially applics assignment)...
and it becomes a cycle... i feel like crap because i can't do my work. And when i do my work, i can't do it at all..and i feel like crap again.

the worst part is this... i am here complaining about how unproductive my day was... and here i am online and blogging about it and not doing anything about it.

tired

i am tired because of the liverpool vs ac milan match.

i have no idea why did i even watch that match... i was hopping liverpool will win...
and expected ac to whoop their butts...

yea... so i watched till 5.30 am

when the penalty shoot out ended... i was too tired to react.
just happy to know who won ... and slept

the effects is still not gone yet... i do not have enough sleep~

so abit moody this few days... but not moody enough to show anger or those sort...
maybe to tired to use so much strenght on petty stuff like i used to.

alright ... something hi me hard yesterday
i went to Christian Fellowship yesterday... ( luckily i didn't oversleep at the library before CF started)... oh my Goodness...when i woke up in the library... had problems lifting my arms and standing up..- the whole body *kejang*

in our KG (group)... we talked about ~Encouragement~

yes... i think i'm not bad at that...
somehow i got the ability to make other feel better than they think
~ maybe its because i ask them to compare themselves with ME... hehe...sad but true.

on the other hand... i have been more discouraging rather than encouraging..
during reflection time... i remembered how i've pissed or hurted everyone around me...
reason: fuck... i don't know... i am a jerk?

here's the main point... how to be a good encouragement to others?
first of all.... to encourage others/// people have to trust you.
and how to have people trusting us... by being smarter with words. (any where and any time)
who wants to ask encouragement from someone who have put down almost everyone in the past?!~

this really opened up my eyes... never thought of it that way/.

oh man... shouldn't be cocky~

25/5/2005 ( wednesday)

long long day...
day started really well...
learnt new stuff from acc class... well.. not really... form4-5 learnt already
its just that i am happy because the class is moving..

IS class was okey. the teacher smiled/ thats a great news ... eversince he got the complaint and all...

ESL was fun... talked about short stories.

after that> i took my assignment test 4 Result.
fuck~ i thought the questions was easy.... and my result proved me wrong.
shouldn't be so cocky yesterday. I got 18.5/37 which is pass already. but damn...
i just read about Excellence in my devotion last night.... hmm... not happy!~
i am not aiming for mediocrity here!

what the hell...
now watching american idol to release stress.

self

last weekend (20-23 may)was a blast for me.
mom came all the way from Tawau.
she cleaned up the house, gave me extra cash and brought us out for awsome dinnerS.
... she left this morning... gonna miss her.. haha

yea... sunday i watched star wars 3- revenge of the sith.
adorable robots, wierd looking hero's sidekick, pretty actors... beautiful visual effects, amazing sound effects... corny lines ..and the best of all... it was DARK just like Lucas promised!

i watched it with my bro... after i celebrated my cousin's birthday in Sunway Pyramid.

Anyways...today (24 may!!!) was my assignment test 4.
wasn't really prepared for it... i wasted my weekend and wesak- break doing unproductive shi../ stuff. But it turned up okey. wasn't the hardest paper i've sat...

i am very worried about tomorrow... its gonna be a long day.
i have LAN class... have to collect my applics assignmnet 5, take my IS assignmnet 2.
darn~

i am listening to jack johnson-on and on (album)... just to calm myself...
end~

Mixed Feelings on a normal weekend

was alone the whole day...
SATURDAY!!!~ well, i didn't do much... stayed at home the whole time.
afternoon: remembered Last week in Mr J’s ESL class, we talked about social issue.
Well, I presented the topic about racism in our country. I was the only one who picked this topic… maybe too sensitive.//i don’t think so~

The most popular topic chosen by my classmates is the issue of abortion.
Well, nothing they presented touched me or open my eyes. (shaking my head with sarcasm)
I am still as insensitive about this issue.


This happens to change my mind when I heard a song by Nick Cannon.
Yes… nickelodeon’s Nick Cannon.
The song title is ‘can I live’ … its about women’s sacrifice to decide NOT to abort their baby..
“can I live” is like as if the baby in the mother begging her to give them a chance live..
So… yea… I felt a bit moved…

Thinking about how my mom went trough all the suffering just the let me live in this world…you know~


In other news- Limp Bizkit just came out with a new album. Their first single is the truth.
Felt sad for them because their music video was the cheapest thing I’ve ever seen . One funny thing, channel v didn’t censor a single foul language. There were fuck and bitches in the song… COOL!


night: FA CUP final.
had fun chatting with my best friend- kabir back in Tawau when the game was going on the whole time. Both also pretty pissed of the fact that Arsenal beat Man Utd.
Life is UNFAIR!!!!
to arsenal fans... " Up Your ARSSSenal"... lol!

Don't Need Shit to Happen to Feel Like ONE.

i am feeling like shit right now.
Its just one of those days...
nothing wrong happened,
nobody offended or pissed me off,
noone broke my fragile heart.
Don't know why, but i had a very emotional day..

it all started from last night.
I was listening to the radio... it was about love.
something like : Often, we will not be together with the person we love...and often we as human have such difficult time letting go what has passed.
the first thing that reminded me when i first heard this was a blog i just read the morning before.. it was about ' Letting Go' . The problem i have to deal now is ' Losing' someone i really love... i never had a chance to "officially" date her or have her approval for me to be her boy friend.

Went to college, nothing much happen... as usual...
Didn't feel like coming home, so went Pyramid alone.

I thought that would be my medicine, ~so often i would spend quaility time with myself and really enjoying every moment of it. (In Tawau, i normally just sit outside my house, or the park near by just to think about stuff... well, in KL- Pyramid...lol)

But today... it didn't go that way. I went to find a good movie to watch but had limited choice~
so i chose to watch 'Guess Who?' by myself.
Funny!~ yes, ofcoz ... here's what i didn't enjoy
its about 2-3 weeks since it came out...why the hell is there still so many people watching it?!
damn! can't even watch it in peace

came out from the Cinema feeling like CRAP...
its a mixture of feelings including loneliness , pethaticness, basically a huge L in the middle of my forehead.

(approx 7.00) reached home... ~home sweet home~
boy-- my day just got even worst... my brother's friend came to our place to shoot a short film.
My bro asked me about it last night, i wasn't comfortable with that idea but couldn't give him a good reason to "not let" let them come... but my brother didn't ask my parents permission either. So ...came home saw a few unknown people... didn't bother to smile or look at them...
stormed into my room... and took my nap (killing time so they would dissapear after i wake up)

i miss home~

Bloody Assignments

16 May (Monday)
monday morning...
back to College...
I am expecting a pretty good day... though my weekend wasn't the most productive one..
all did yesterday was go church and did a last minute draft on my Information System Assignment..
And had a wonderful time spending quality time with myself.

So today my day didn't start as well as i wanted...
the bus didn't come-so i spent extra on a taxi again!~
IS class was 'interesting'~
the lecturer told us a disgusting story on how he and his classmates bullied another classmates of his which was a pretty big asshole... ( too disgustin to share this)

so ... my IS assignment got a very bad review... had to redo the whole bloody thingy..

then in ESL class... i got scolded by the lecturer because i didn't show interest at what she was teaching at all..
yea... i deserve that... coz I really showed her how freakin boring the lecture was...I yawn and lay my head on the table... boy was the lecturer pissed at me...

here's the best part~
I got back my economics paper... i am one of the top scorers for my class. :)

now i am redoing my IS assignmnet... hope that goes well.

This assignment is due this friday... well ~supposedly...
teacher delayed it and change it to tuesday...
as if that would help me at all...
i can't waste my time doing IS this weekend! i have to study my applics... which i will have the assignment test on 24th MAY...
SHIZZA!

holy but wierd 2

May 15, (sunday service in GladTidingsChurch)

the hawaiian people preach the exact same thing.
no comment.
half asleep in that service.

~END~

currently listening to Scissor Sisters.

Holy but weird?

(friday 13-night)
went to Glad Tidings Churh for an inter-Cell meeting
special speakers: team from Hawaii
topic: how to interact with God.

don't know whether to post my thoughts about this or not.
its a pretty sensitive issue.

Because the teachings of the Hawaii team don't really mix with my beliefs.
They Define worship as affectionately adoring God ...
so in order to interact with Him... you have to love hin with affection (biblical)

this is what they taught us : close your eyes...
imagine Jesus in front of you
breathe in slowly, breathe out slowly...enjoy His presence.
you can touch him ... touch his hair... ( heh?)..
hold him... hug him if you want (i did ~ imagine) ... kiss him
(ok.....hmm) AND THEN hear what Jesus want to say to you or
experience.

so okey... their teachings are abit different... i would say much more LOVING compared to our normal ways.... even trying to imagine myself doing this affectionate actions with Jesus scared me abit...

coz its like " what the hell am i doing to Jesus... and why the hell do i have to do these In order- just to hear him speak to me... its just freakin weird!"

from what i know... we as christians
what makes us special is how our God first loved us and we need not to do anything to gain that from our Father...
so i wasn't comfortable last night... i'm not againts their teaching...
its just that...
the God i know- is the one you have to bow down your head and pray to
the One you kneel down and worship Him
the One who is going to send you to hell if you are not saved.
Not the one we have to touch/feel/kiss/and let him know how much we love
him (even earthly fathers don't do that with their sons!~)
Now, its as if christianity has a new meaning to me...

i'm actually looking forward to Sunday service... they will talk more about that..
we'll see what happens then.

may 13th... or friday 13th

Friday (may 13)

woke up early...
missed the bus...
so enjoyed good breakfast below my flat ...
took a cab to college...
had accounts class (8.30-9.30)

here's the best part.... >> 9.30
i played Basketball.... finally... after about 2 months not touch a ball..
i played with some IS class friends... wow... most of them are proS..(so i think i fit in pretty well- just kiddin)

had a minor ankle injury AGAIN... had those accident countless times... but still fun.

and today was the last day of Applicable Maths. That means... i won't meet some of my first module friends... coz of the different classes we're taking ~

Its Friday 13th... my friends will go watch " Missed Call 2" or something...
damn...what better time!?
i have to go church for a inter-cell group thingy...
hmm... maybe watch a horror movie alone when i get back.

Sorry for being myself.

thursday ( may 12)

woke up early, tried to do my applicable maths assignment. Failed to... can't continue... i'm stuck...
feeling helpless...

went college...
had the most boring class in AusMat this year.
it was ESL (english as second language)... i said even when i entered the class for the first time/
" i regret taking ESL instead of English"... but honestly, i don't think i am able to put THAT much effort and time in one subject that would not even help me in my future ( hoping to go MONASH BUSINESS). and i continued " the class is so dead- no class clowns, teacher (1 too old fashion, 1 just too weird for my likeness)..

yea, so today in ESL... we learned LETTERS...(informal, formal)
interesting! could cry myself to sleep... " cry myself to sleep?" ..
yep... tears of boredom just fall endlessly... lol

then went for my applics class...
was supposed to go CF (Christian Fellowship) ... there was some sort of telematch there..
but i changed my mind...
just because of a petty thing... one of my best friend annoyed me until i couldn't took it..
normally, if someone did that to me...
the most likely thing for me to do is get back at his face like " shut the fuck up!" ... "fuck off!"
but he is not the person you want to use those language... he'll preach!~

*i know... great guy~ but not in these fucked up situations..
Tawau people- who's vocab has 1/3 swearing in it... i miss you guys some time...lol

so how did he actually annoyed me...? I wanted to go CF later... but he kept bugging me to go early... faster...

Victor- who don't like to be controlled/ only can stand so much... i was nice enough to just give him my uncomfortable smile... and told him i changed my mind and Do NOT want to go CF .
in the end, he went by himself... which he should done earlier ( not bugging me, coz if he wanted to go early, go alone first... wait for me there ~
must he come PUSH me and MAKE me go with him?! worst, with those kind of attitude as if I MUST obey him)... sorry for being myself~! i do not like being controlled

Today just wasn't the day to Fuck around with me... forgive me DUDE~
best song to listen now- Eminem: I am whatever i say i am.

Turning Point

monday (9th of may)
i got back my applicable maths assignment test 3
well, i am pretty satsfied with the result i got...
that adds my total marks to 46 (average of 3 assignment test).

30% of my class are so called failures in my applicable maths class...
the teacher warn them to prepare a back up plan as my teacher was sure they wouldn't pass the coming evaluation exam...

this really opened up my eyes.... although i am at a safe point in my class standings...
i am concern for my future assignment tests... this is because the lessons in class are also getting harder and more complicated...

i was very motivated to do my best ... even as i struggle to finish all my homework-
My 2nd module schedule is pretty fucked up... not messed, but packed...

( tuesday , 10th of may)
today was pretty relaxing for me as i only have 2 classes... which is from 12.30 till 4.30
i went school early to do a study on types of communication systems...so surfed the net till noon
it awas pretty fun... the reason: my friend was sitting next to me, enjoying happy tree friends cartoons.

anyways... i've learned a new word this week.
Hubris~ definition :exaggerated pride or self-confidence often resulting in retribution.

Happy Mother's Day

May 8th- Mother's Day.
How did i celebrated it? - in church...
without my mom...
all i could do was give my mom a ring and wished her "happy mother's day"

okie...so here's what happened tonight.
i was alone with my sis at home... i was bored... so i scrolled through some web sites...
got some really good jokes to share!

here's one - specially for Mother's Day

A little blind girl goes up to her mum and says, "Mummy, mummy, when will I be able to see?"
Her mum replies "I'll tell you what, I'll take you to the chemist and get you some special cream for your eyes and you will be able to see in the morning."
So off they went to the chemist, got the cream, and went home, all the while the little girl was getting more and more excited at the prospect of being able to see again. Once they got home, the mother put the cream on the little girls eyes, wrapped a bandage around her head, and took her to bed.
The following morning the little girl stumbled into her mums bedroom and excitedly shouted "Quick mummy, take off the bandage so that i will be able to see again."
So the mother slowly took of all the bandages, taking her time, and all the while the little girl was getting more and more excited. Once they were off the little girl said "But mummy, I still can't see."
To which the mother replied, "April fool!"

here's a sick one~

The salesman stopped at a farmhouse one evening to ask for room and board for the night. The farmer told him there was no vacant room.
"I could let you sleep with my daughter," the farmer said, "if you promise not to bother her."
The salesman agreed. After a hearty supper, he was led to the room. He undressed in the dark, slipped into bed, and felt the farmer's daughter at his side.
The next morning he asked for his bill.
"It'll be just two dollars, since you had to share the bed," the farmer said.
"Your daughter was very cold," the salesman said.
"Yes, I know," said the farmer. "We're going to bury her today."

decision making.

erm... if there was something bothering me this week...
it'll be my brother's plan to start up "his" website...// a website for fashion hunting...
well, maybe more than that...
before my brother confirm this... he asked for God's permission... He got a positive reply - but in 1 condition (to put an extra ' creative side of christianity' collum in his web)

to be honest, if i were to be here supporting this idea... i would be a hypocrite.
because, to ' hire' designers to do the website, buying the 'name'... and starting something this huge...
u need capital/ modal... that means my dad have to sponsor him first...
ofcoz i didn't really like that idea

so i told my brother how i felt... my brother told me that all his decison making is after God's approval..
~ i know/ but it's because his idea of God's will for him keep changing...
from saying he is in KL to be with his siblings... he is eventually going singapore to work...
then staying in KL longer to strengthen a new church's foundation... then making a freakin website?!

so i did my devotion a few nights ago... and it was about making every decision through asking God first...
this really touched me... maybe giving me a bigger trust on what's my brother's planS was/are..
and teaching me to do the same thing (decide/ making choices through asking the big man first)...

another thing i felt God spoke to me (through bible)... is to be / do the best..
and don't aim for mediocrity. ( do enough to get through)...
i am never at my best...NEVER.... so this might be a challenge for me to really strive and do my best in everything i do...

2nd module

wed. 4th of may - was the 1st day of my 2nd module in AusMat.
so i had 3 new subjects - accounts, info systems, and ESL (simple english)
i must say there is pro and cons for this module.
at first, i thought it would really suck...
well, accounts class rocks! - strict teacher and few pretty girls ( best combination for accounts)
Info System was not bad - crazy teacher( too friendly maybe) , few friends
(best combination to be in a studying mode)
i hated the ESL class... because it was so dead~ students there -if compared to the ones taking english is so freakin' different!~

in English class, students there are bubbly, crazy, super smart, sporting, and alive~
in esl... students are all opposite from english student. DAMN IT~ too bad i can't take english...
it'll take up too much of my time and i won't be able to focus on more important subs .

yesterday was my AusMat telematch....
i enjoyed it. awsome event for the students there... coz if not- AusMat will just kill us with it's boring stuff...
i won the tug of war match... guess thats make my record still 100% ... hehe.. (not really) .

great Radio.

i was alone in my room trying to do some revision ...
i stopped half way because there was this really interesting program going on (radio)...
it was one of the mandarin station, the program was something like a verbal drama.

a story about 3 best friends. 2 guys and a girl. the narrator (Min Chiang) was in love with his best friend (Xiao Xing) .. but this best friend of his (Xiao Xing) like the other dude (Wen Sheng).
So conflicts actually happened when Wen Sheng just broke up with an ex-gf and starts hanging out with Xiao Xing really often. Min Chiang was very intimidated and jealous with his best buddy Wen Sheng.

So when Wen Sheng finally told Min Chiang that he only treated Xiao Xing as a sis and encouraged Min Chiang to tell her how he really felt..
Min Chiang said that wasn't the point, coz he felt Xiao Xing don't love him but instead-Wen Sheng.Wen Sheng added how stupid it is to risk friendship over a girl. Min Chiang replied i rather have everlasting love than friendship...

but 3 of them sticked together and stayed as best friends during their secondary years... ( Xiao Xing still don't know Min Chiang's feeling towards her)

after a few years passed. Min Chiang finally decided to tell Xiao Xing his feeling (despite knowing the risk of losing a best friend forever)...

it was pretty funny this part, coz he told Xiao Xing- Wo Ai Ni...
then Xiao Xing replied.. "that's the way! tomorrow thats exactly the way you are going to tell the girl you love your feelings"
Min Chiang was just practising that time... so after a day...
he told Xiao Xing that he actually loved her. (the music started to change here), Xiao Xing replied " I'm sorry Min Chiang, the person i love is not you"

Min Chiang narrated this part... saying that he finally knew how it felt to be rejected...
and literally losing a friend after this dissapointment... coz Xiao Xing dissapeared after the graduation and lost contact with both Min Chiang and Wen Sheng...

He continued... he thinks he can't continue his life like it was supposed to because someone has taken a big chunk of his heart...
the only way for him to go on with his life is to at lease meet Xiao Xing one last time

One day, Min Chiang was signing up for a expedition in one of the mountains... together with Wen Sheng (both started working at that time )
and Min Chiang found out that Xiao Xing's name was in the registration form then..
he felt so excited... he plans to ask Xiao Xing the same question when/ if he ever sees her during that expedition. The story ended with a beautiful and sentimental song... with Min Chiang saying.. "i don't know whether she will accept me or she will reject me once again.. but everything will be up to luck( jodoh/takdir)..." end~

i was very touched by this story.... Its so true..
about how love can hurt someone, can bring someone down and break friendships..

Christian Concert

saturday night, i went to SSMC ( invited by a friend) to a concert...
there would be performance by SAND ... and their own youth...
i must say i was impressed by the youths in that church... i could see them burning with God's love... and their passion for HIM... oh yea, people in that church was so friendly...warm to say the least.

(after 1 day, and a quite shocking phone call)

Heal the Nation Concert was held in Glad Tidings church last night...
it was a concert for the Tsunami Victims... and ofcause, healing the nation too..

the concert was a success... more than 2 thousand turned up for this event- so it was huge!
brother liang sure hyped out the crowd... and the youths cheered crazily when juwita suwito came up on stage... (by the way, she won best english album in the AIM awards)..
and ALTERED FREQUENCY!!!... the crowd were jumping to all their songs...

the best part of the event was when the speaker came out... he was fantastic..
he talked about how everyone of us had been hurt in the past and only one person could help us.- JESUS.
Jesus went through all of that, only HE has seen it all, understands what's our pain... and he has already healed us by dying on the cross for us...

i am definitely healed by whatever pain i had in the pass...
i am just worried of the future.
as my second module is about to start this week...
there would be new subjects, new teachers, new friends (old ones are taking different subjects), and i feel that i won't enjoy college as much anymore.. feel like crap right now~
not sure why though... its like missing a camp after going home from it...
as if i were to leave all the great friends and great times behind me..

despite feelin' like shit - i finally found joy goin to Glad Tidings church... the sense of belonging is beginning to kick in...so at lease there's something to be happy.. ~

Surprsing Phone Call - not to be forgotten soon

Just when i thought that there wouldn't be anything to blog these few days as its my short break..
i was wrong.

there is this girl in college i really like... well, "secretly" admired for quite some time...
she has the sweetest smile, great body~HOT~... and i really wanted to know her better...
so i often tried my luck sending her sms whether she can join me for lunch or just for a drink...
the first question to ask her -on my mind was obviously "do you have a bf?"
but luck wasn't on my side, i never got the chance to go out with her and ask her that question..
well, today was my lucky day... the answer was finally revealed to me so clearly~ it had definitely fulfilled my curiousity.

it was after church...and during the time i was playing videogame with my brother.. i received a phone call..
guess who?
the girl i admired's boy friend//... till now... this phone call still freaks me out..

the conversation went something like this : (all in cantonese, i was using mix language larr)
BF: halo?! is this victor?
me: yes... who are you?
BF: i am ***'s BF.
me: oh... (dead!)... okey.
BF: you smsed ***?... u sms her for what?
me: no reason...
BF: what relationship you have with ***?
me: just normal friends, just knew her in college.
BF: oh..good.. plz don't sms her ever again.
me: ok. (fuck!)

*sigh*... as if feeling like a loser right now isn't bad enough,
my heart trully is shattered... knowing she has a BF ~ this way..
i really like her...something about her smile... just makes my day whenever i see her in college..
what will happen now?!... i don't even dare going near her... its like there is a risk just by being her friend.. sad

hopefully... tonight's concert (heal the nation concert) ... can heal my pain... !